Dec 6, 2010

28 Funny Quotes to Brighten Your Day

funny panda quotes

Below you will find a collection of funny, yet wise, quotations to brighten your day(s): 
“If you feel like doing some work, sit down and wait…
The feeling does go away.”  
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask?"
~Scott Adams   
“There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say.”
~Cyrill Connolly
“Don’t ever wrestle with a pig.
You'll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it.”
~Cole Yarborough
“If you drop a white glove into the mud, the glove will get muddy. But the mud will never get glovey.”  
“If you need a helping hand, there is one at the end of your arm.”~Audrey Hepburn
“If you live to be a hundred. I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.”
~Winnie the Pooh
“If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.”~Earl Wilson
“What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone?”
~Berlott Brecht
“The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.”
~David Richerby
“In God we trust. All others bring data.”
~Dr. Edwards Deming
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life. Unless I buy something.”
~Jackie Mason
“I like work; it fascinates me, I can sit back and look at it for hours.”
~Jerome K. Jerome
“If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.”
~Joe Martin 
“In mathematics, you don’t understand things, you just get used to them.”
~Johann Von Neumann 
“A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.”
~Joseph Stalin 
“After one look at this planet, any visitor from outer space would say: ‘I want to see the manager’.”
~William S. Burroughts 
“A conclusion is the place where you get tired thinking.”
~Martin H. Fischer 
“I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that’s just the way I am.”
~Homer Simpson 
“Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately, it doesn’t seem to be working.”  
“Why does the air force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we’ve been bombing over the years been complaining?”
~George Wallace 
“Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.”
~Marie Von 
“This sentence contradicts itself…
No actually it doesn’t.”
~Douglas Hofstadter 
“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.”
~Albert Einstein 
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
~Albert Einstein
“War isn't about dying for your country. It’s about making the other bastard die for his.”  
“By the time you figure out all of life’s answers, they’ll change the questions.”  
“It’s a mystery of parenthood that your son can give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a stray, worm-riddled dog, share a piece of re-chewed gum from a kid with bronchitis and pick his nose and eat it on a regular basis, yet won't sit next to his sister because of ‘Girl Germs’.”
~Kathy Lette

For more quotes, check out 20 Best Motivational Quotes That Will Change Your Life or the book Great Funny Quotes: Sweeten Your Life with Laughter

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